Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans: Teaching Children to Understand Their Feelings, Not Fear Them

Let’s be real for a second.

Most of us weren’t taught how to deal with emotions, we were taught how to hide them. “Calm down.” “Don’t cry.” “Don’t be angry.” So, we learned to squash things, push them down, lock them up… and now? Now we’re thirty-something and Googling “why do I panic over a missed text.”

This isn’t a guilt trip. This is the reality of growing up emotionally illiterate. And we don’t need to stay stuck in it.

Because we can do better for the next generation.

Teaching children emotional regulation isn’t about controlling them; it’s about equipping them. It’s about helping them grow into adults who don’t feel broken when big feelings arrive. It’s about raising children who understand their emotional world without fear or shame.

In psychology, emotional regulation refers to the ability to monitor, evaluate and modify one's emotional reactions. This doesn’t mean suppressing emotions, it means working with them in a way that’s healthy, flexible, and helpful. Emotional regulation is linked to everything from academic success and healthy friendships to mental health and long-term well-being.

Children who learn emotional regulation early:

• Have better focus and learning outcomes.

• Are more resilient in the face of setbacks.

• Experience lower levels of anxiety and depression later in life.

• Are more likely to develop secure relationships.

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This isn’t soft parenting fluff. This is a neural architecture. This is foundational psychology.

What Age Can Children Learn Emotional Regulation?

A baby in a colorful onesie stands in a crib, holding onto the railing with a pacifier in their mouth and toys hanging above.Alt text: A baby wearing a red and pink onesie, holding a pacifier, standing in a white crib with a mobile above.

Let’s bust a myth right now: you can't teach regulation from birth. They’re born with feelings. Raw, intense, primal feelings. The regulation part? That’s learned and it’s co-created with caregivers.

Here’s how it develops:

• Babies (0–2): Zero self-regulation. 100% co-regulation. They cry, you soothe. That teaches trust.

• Toddlers (2–4): Begin to mimic. They start recognising big feelings but still need constant adult support.

• Early Childhood (5–7): Start to name feelings. You can teach basic pause-and-respond strategies here.

• Middle Childhood (8–12): Begin to use independent coping tools. They still need modelling and reinforcement.

• Teens: Now they’ve got the tools, but hormones are hijacking the system. They need trust, space, and scaffolding.

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So, How Do We Teach Emotional Regulation?

A woman with closed eyes gently presses her temples with her fingers, appearing to be experiencing a headache or deep in thought.

Let’s get practical. Here’s how we actually build it in:

 Teach the Pause

Teach children that you can feel without reacting. That pause; that breath between emotion and action; is where power lives.  It’s recognition and noticing that the emotions and thoughts are there, and then making space to respond instead of reacting.

Use phrases like:

• “Let’s take a breath together before we speak.”

• “Your brain’s in storm mode; let’s calm the waters before we problem-solve.”

Show them how to pause: breathing techniques, counting, cold water on hands, stepping away.

 Normalise the Language of Emotion

Don’t just name the big ones. Get them fluent and understanding that our emotions are much deeper than those first gut reactions, for example, anger can be frustration, fear, confusion or so many more things.  That top reaction and emotion is just the start we need to go deeper than that.

• “That sounds like frustration. Is that right?”

• “You’re allowed to feel angry. Let’s figure out what it’s trying to tell us.”

Use books, visual charts, or even emojis. Build the emotional vocabulary so they have more options than just “fine” or “bad.”

3. Explore, Don’t Dismiss

Get curious, not corrective.

Instead of “Stop that,” when a big emotional outburst hits, try saying after you have them to a point that they can communicate their feelings:

• “What’s that feeling trying to say?”

• “Is something hard right now?”

Let them become investigators of their inner world, not inmates in an emotional prison. Respect that often this is an after-the-outburst task.

4. Co-Regulate, Don’t Expect Solo Mastery

Your calm is their compass. We can’t expect children to self-regulate when they’ve barely seen us do it.

So, you show up. You breathe when they’re spinning out. You sit with them in it. You model what regulation looks like, and over time, they internalise it.

It’s not about doing it perfectly. It’s about doing it together.

Emotions Aren’t Bad. Reactions Aren’t Permanent.

Children don’t need to be told to “stop crying.” They need to be told they are safe, that this feeling will pass, and that they are capable of handling what’s inside them. Emotions aren’t villains, they’re messages. And teaching our children to read those messages means they’ll be less likely to drown in them later.

We’re raising emotionally intelligent humans who can face life with inner stability, self-awareness, and the confidence to say:

“I feel this. I’m not afraid of it. I can handle it.”

Let’s give them that gift. Let’s start now.